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This week.... it's been a sad one, a stressful one, a trying one, an emotional one. It's been one that brings me back to these types of feelings. One that makes me want to curl up in bed and pray that when I get up everything that's been tugging at my heart, stops. One that makes me revert to my Bible many more times than usual and one that makes me ask God questions that I don't think can be answered.

Death is hard. It's never easy to suck it up and say goodbye. It's always much too soon and it's always a cloud of anger. I don't want to see my husband hurting. I don't care if God has bigger plans because I'm bitter. I'm bitter with having these cards dealt to us, again, much too soon. 

Just like the last time I faced losing a loved one, I know these emotions will soon fade and life will find happiness again but it takes time. I don't believe there's a time limit on how quickly one needs to move on because the heart needs to heal. Until it can mold itself back into shape, we aren't ready to let go.

I've never talked about losing my best friend on this blog. And today I think it's time.

It may be my husband who is hurting now but I relate much too close with how he's feeling now. I was a senior in high school in my second hour class. It was the day back from winter break and everyone was excited to spill all the juice about their Christmas and New Year. I was in dance and in the auditorium with a guest choreographer, without a loud speaker. My dance teacher ran in sobbing, mumbling about a crash and Erica dying. She kept trying to get that words out that Jasmine and Marc had died too.

That's when all the wind was knocked out of me. Marc died. My best friend since 4th grade, died. I was texting him the night before about school and getting a paper turned in that first week back. I was giving him a hard time teasing I wasn't writing his paper this time, but of course I would. He brings me a Monster, I write his essays. No, he wasn't dead.

But the tears came and didn't stop for weeks.

My parents were gone that week so I was home alone. I spent most of my time curled up in bed crying. I went to school but didn't register a thing. I was with my closest friend Nik a lot of the time. Nik, Marc and I were as close as they come since elementary school so it was natural Nik and I would mourn his loss together.

I debated going to the funeral because I wasn't ready to say goodbye. It was my mom who made me go and I thank her for that. It's all such a haze still but I will never forget that day and what my heart felt that last time I saw his face.

I was angry at God. Marc had survived brain cancer the year prior yet God tore him away a short year later. I didn't get it. I wouldn't get it because in the moment God was nothing to me.

Here I am as we just passed the 5 years on January 6th of Marc being gone and I'm no longer angry. I'm hurt yes, but this is the cycle of life. It never makes the pain dull knowing it will happen but there's comfort in knowing one day I'll be reunited with my angels. 

So right now, it's time for me to turn to God and not run away. He may have taken another loved one far too soon but he's what's going to get me through this chapter. He is the one wrapping His arms around my husband and his family right now, comforting them while they grieve and encouraging them that someday, you'll see you angel again.

Right now, God is my anchor.

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