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Yesterday was my birthday and I wrote here that this year I wasn't really feeling it and it's very unlike me. I thought and thought and it really hit me why this year was so different from the rest for me. It's not easy saying this because my eyes still sting when I face this reality but I suppose it's time to write about it and get it off my chest so I can try to breath a bit more.

Growing up I knew I wanted to start a family young. I knew I wanted to be a mom and stay home with kiddos and I had an image in my mind of when I'd start and when I'd be done. All along I wanted 3 babies. I wanted to start soon after marriage and I wanted to be done by the time I was 24. Here I am, 24 with no babies of my own. Andrew and I have talked and talked and we're just not fully there and ready to move forward with expanding our family and that hurts me. 

Saturday I spent the majority of my day with my sweet God Daughter, Peyton (she's 2) and her mom and dad at a little one's first birthday. Taylor was turning one and we know her because her mom and dad are great friends to Andrew and I. I remember learning when each of these girls were pregnant and being ecstatic for them. I remember thinking God is blessing their lives and I couldn't be happier for them and I shouldn't be far behind in announcing the same news. Sitting at Taylor's birthday party Saturday, emotion completely took me over and I had a moment of panic and hurt realizing I would be 24 the very next day and still haven't been able to announce that amazing news of being pregnant.

I have to be honest and say, I have been scared the last couple years thinking about having kids and expanding but this past summer spending more time with Drake has sealed the deal and reassured me I am ready and I can't wait for that next chapter of life. I love being a stepmom to him, I love getting hugs and packing lunches and going shopping together. I love being a "mom". So Sunday, my birthday, I was emotional. I was hurting and I was upset.

Am I wallowing? Absolutely. It's quite selfish and I know this. It isn't just about me and my wants and I fully respect Andrew wanting some more time just us, I do too! It just hits you hard when your stepson talks daily about having siblings and then all the sudden you're 24 and that number is a connotation with something that hasn't happened.

As we stand now, we're still at least a year out with trying to expand and that's something I am okay with some days. Others, it sucks. It doesn't help most of our friends we spend time with are either pregnant now or have children so being surrounded by that constantly again, isn't easy. 

As for my birthday, it honestly started shitty. It was filled with tears and frustrations and lots of hugs from my husband trying to make me feel better. I splurged in the afternoon for a mani | pedi which picked up my spirits and our dear friends David and Holly saved the day. They came over with little notice with everything for fondue and we ate and drank and laughed and it's just what the doctor ordered to turn this birthday around. I couldn't be more thankful for them and all they do for me. They both are beyond selfless and always putting others first. They made me sit while they did all the prep and cooking and even did all the dishes so I didn't lift a finger. Again, just what I needed. 

Thank you all for the birthday love this year, I do feel so special getting texts, tweets, emails and phone calls wishing me a wonderful day. Each and every one lifted my spirits a little higher and it went straight to my heart, so thank you.

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