Another Goodbye to Elle

February 26, 2013

Saturday night I laid in bed with so many things going through my mind.

Elle wouldn't leave it.

That sweet baby girl molded so much of who I am today and it was such a blessing be able to build her little life around my love and encouragement. I knew being a nanny I would become attached to the child but I never thought it would be such a sting to my heart 10 months after closing that chapter of my life.

She's going to be a big sister in April and it's something I thought I would be around to experience with her. I thought it would be something I'd be able to show her again, unconditional love and how she could embrace a baby brother.

I've stalled deleting pictures of her on my phone thinking, maybe, if something didn't work out at the church I'd be able to move back into that family and hold her little hand again through another couple years of life. Here I am 10 months later becoming established in a design business and even more deeply rooted to our church home and I've come to realize, I'll never move back into Elle's life.

I haven't seen baby girl since September and I'll be honest, it was a struggle hearing from her mama learning they'd be accepting a son in the spring. I cried many tears thinking how I wanted so badly to be part of this chapter of life for Elle and I cried many more tears learning they've been through a handful of nannies since I left.

I feel it's my fault they've never found a good nanny to replace me. I feel if I had never left, they would be excited about this new baby and content knowing they have a great nanny who loves their baby girl and who will love their little man just as much.

But they aren't. Just last week they asked me if I'd come back because they still haven't found the right fit for them. And it broke my heart.

Saturday night I did it. I deleted all the pictures of her and I off my phone. Tears were streaming and they are now as I write this out but it's time to move on and know God has bigger plans for me and know He is watching over Elle and wrapping His arms around her.

So for one last time, I need to get a few favorites out before everything is also deleted off my computer. Before 742 memories are erased.

All posts for Elle, here.


  1. This post just made me get teary! I know how you feel - I just moved to Kentucky from Georgia and one of the worst parts was leaving behind the kiddos that I have watched grow up through nannying/babysitting. I missed a birthday party last week - first one I've missed for either of the two little girls that were my little joys back at home! It's hard but to me it's easier if I look back at the pictures, and am able to talk to them on facetime, visit whenever I go home (rarely), etc. Feel better!

  2. This just made me cry!!! As hard as it was for you to delete them off your phone, I would suggest you not deleting them off your computer because that was a chapter in your life. You learned so much from that experience and you never know when one day she might have children & your kids will be nannies and will want to know what she is like! I would just say Hide the pictures on your hard drive so you dont lose them forever!! I know its not easy but it might help. Hope you feel better soon!

  3. can't you still go visit with her and take her out some days? I'm sure she would love it!

  4. What a sweet post Aubrey! Know that you touched her life in such an amazing way during your time with her! It is true God has amazing things planned for both of you!

  5. I definitely know the feeling Aubrey! Both families I nannied for during college have asked me to come back several times. One family has had to have 3 different nannies because they couldn't find just one to fill all the time & the other family has had (and has fired) over 5 nannies since I left! It absolutely breaks my heart that my kids have had to go through so many people in their lives but I just hope & pray, like you, that God would find the perfect person to be in their lives. I still get to see all my kids every few months but it is still sad!
    I also just recently had to leave nannying a sweet infant because her dad lost his job & they couldn't keep me and mom cried for days over losing me - broke my heart! Thankfully, they live down the street & I am part of their family now so I will still get to see her.

    All that said - I know what you're going through & how much your heart aches over Elle! I agree with Jessica above, maybe store the pictures on a hard drive so they're not in constant access? I'd be so sad to see you delete them all forever though =(

  6. im so sorry mama. what a sweet little girl. she was very lucky to have you in her life, and i am sure you will reconnect with her soon! sending you many hugs! xo

  7. Oh my goodness me this breaks my heart into pieces! I am currently a nanny right now for a nine month old and have had horrifying dreams of not being his nanny anymore. I can't even imagine it. I'm so attached and in love with him that I couldn't picture not being in his life every day. So I can only imagine how much your heart must also be breaking. All I can say is that she is unbelievably lucky to have had someone so deeply attached to her grace her life for however long you did.

  8. This made me tear up for you. I know the hurt it takes to walk away from something, especially a little girl that can bring sooooo much joy into your life. Be strong! I will pray that your heart finds healing and that Elle's family can find some good help soon! XOXO

  9. I know exactly how you feel! I was a nanny to my little man from the time he was a month old. He turns two this week and it makes me cry. I still get to watch him every once in awhile, but every time I go he is just so much bigger. He says full sentences now and knows my name. When I walk in he says, "Tristan's here!" It breaks my heart to not be there to witness how much he's growing!

  10. I have been a nanny for 6 years, for a few different families. I never had a bond with a family like you had with Elle, except when I nannied my nephews. I adored them and I was with them from the time the second one was a newborn. It was a deep ache in my heart when I left because my sister and I had a falling out that left me unable to see them for months.

  11. This is sooo cute! I can't imagine becoming attached to a child like that, only to have to stop seeing them everyday.