Saturday night I laid in bed with so many things going through my mind.

Elle wouldn't leave it.

That sweet baby girl molded so much of who I am today and it was such a blessing be able to build her little life around my love and encouragement. I knew being a nanny I would become attached to the child but I never thought it would be such a sting to my heart 10 months after closing that chapter of my life.

She's going to be a big sister in April and it's something I thought I would be around to experience with her. I thought it would be something I'd be able to show her again, unconditional love and how she could embrace a baby brother.

I've stalled deleting pictures of her on my phone thinking, maybe, if something didn't work out at the church I'd be able to move back into that family and hold her little hand again through another couple years of life. Here I am 10 months later becoming established in a design business and even more deeply rooted to our church home and I've come to realize, I'll never move back into Elle's life.

I haven't seen baby girl since September and I'll be honest, it was a struggle hearing from her mama learning they'd be accepting a son in the spring. I cried many tears thinking how I wanted so badly to be part of this chapter of life for Elle and I cried many more tears learning they've been through a handful of nannies since I left.

I feel it's my fault they've never found a good nanny to replace me. I feel if I had never left, they would be excited about this new baby and content knowing they have a great nanny who loves their baby girl and who will love their little man just as much.

But they aren't. Just last week they asked me if I'd come back because they still haven't found the right fit for them. And it broke my heart.

Saturday night I did it. I deleted all the pictures of her and I off my phone. Tears were streaming and they are now as I write this out but it's time to move on and know God has bigger plans for me and know He is watching over Elle and wrapping His arms around her.

So for one last time, I need to get a few favorites out before everything is also deleted off my computer. Before 742 memories are erased.

All posts for Elle, here.