Untitled.

May 6, 2012

Do you ever just completely lose it? Like tears streaming down your face, body shaking, snot running kind of losing it?

I don't know what it is but there are times when life seems so heavy and burden after burden get piling up that whenever that moment hits me and I need to break down-- it's monumental. It's a huge ordeal and everyone happens to notice and I don't ever seem to have enough tissues or eye drops to get through it. Hence mascara and snot ending up eveywhere on the surface of my face, hands and pants.

It's not pretty.

This last week of life has gotten even more difficult to navigate than the prior weeks that I was so barely keeping my head above water. Andrew transferred to a new store with Discount Tire which was loooong overdue as he was at the prior one for 3+ years; we were so excited for his transfer, yes it was a farther drive but it's a new change of pace that he was SO needing.

Wednesday was his first day and I was patiently awaiting his text at lunch telling me about his morning, his initial thoughts and how he was persevering through the day.... it never came. I get off work, run some errands and did grocery shopping when FINALLY I get a call from him.

"I just found out we have a meeting after work tonight so I won't make dinner."
Oh, okay.

8pm rolls around.
9pm rolls around.
9:15pm he calls saying he's leaving work.

He left for work at 6:15am. Holy geez. That's a long first day at a new store! He gets home, he's shot and has nothing left to even make out 4 sentences before he's asleep.
Well, good talk! Hopefully we can do this again tomorrow....NOT.

Thursday night-- he get's home at 7:45pm.
Friday night, 7:40pm.

This is the point I start to become resentful. This is the moment I get angry.
I work hard to keep things in order around the house, to keep the schedule with getting Drake, to have dinner ready on the table, fresh laundry, clothes set out, lunches made.... all I want in return is a little bit of time to relax and wind down with my husband and by the looks of things, I'm becoming the wife who will have everything done, looking forward to a night with my husband and receiveing a snoring man in 20 minutes upon his arrival.

So today it hit me. I'm taking my frustrations out on a man who has zero control over them. I'm setting myself up with expectations that can no longer be met because my husband is working hard to provide for ME. He's busting his chops to keep a shelter over our head, food in our fridge, warm water for our showers...

I sit here tears streaming as I write. This is a hard adjustment. This is something we never realized how blessed we were before when he had a "slow" store. We are learning how to navigate these times and learning how to still connect in our marriage with little time throughout the week to spend together.

Sunday is here-- a day to sleep in with my man, a day to worship our Lord and a day to spend building relationships with the youth TOGETHER.

I pray that God can work in my heart, mind and soul giving me strength to overcome these new challenges in our life TOGETHER.

20 comments

  1. Man, have I been there before. I hope you both continue to get adjusted. In the mean time tears never hurt anyone!

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  2. I SO understand this!!
    Let me tell you about my life as a farmer's wife!
    My husband goes to work usually between 4:30 and 5..somedays it's 3:30, somedays it's 6- just depends..then I don't see him until at LEAST 6:30 or 7- we eat dinner SO late- I hate that!
    AND he gets only 1 day a week off- and sometimes it isn't even Sunday!! This weekend he worked a little bit each weekend day so- no day off for my hubby! I find sometimes that I resent it too- but then I also know that if he has to work such long hours there is a good reason for it!
    Let me know if you ever wanna talk about this- I totally understand and almost need someone else to talk to too!

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  3. At least you acknowledge that it's not him that is purposefully staying late at work! Better to realize the mistake now than to continue to resent him rather than his work place right!? Chin up girl :)

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  4. You got this, girl! I have been guilty of the same thoughts with my hubby's job. Unfortunately, the military doesn't care if your wife wants to sleep in on Sunday morning with you.

    We are currently on week 3 of a deployment, and we aren't 100% sure when he will come home.

    Enjoy when he DOES come home, even if it's at 8:00pm. The worst feeling is breaking down, saying something you regret, arguing about it, then realizing you wasted all that time that you could have just been BEING together.

    Things like this happen. You will get through it :)

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  5. that does sound so hard! There have definitely been times I've been frustrated because of schedules and busyness when I don't get to spend time with my husband and I've taken it out on him - which is the opposite of what I should be doing because I miss him! Hoping that this is just a short season and you'll be able to get back to a more normal schedule soon!

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  6. Hang in there lovely! My fiance is a police officer so I TOTALLY understand horrible work schedules, and the frustration that can easily come in dealing with a spouse's bad schedule. Some days are definitely harder than others and I've had my fair share of breakdowns. The time spent together DEFINITELY makes it all worth it in the end. Hang in there, hopefully you guys will be able to work some comfort into this new routine. Prayers coming your way!

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  7. Hang in there love! I know that is very tough! Praying for you!

    xo

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  8. I know its tough, but you will get through it in once piece! Sometimes we all feel resentful and then feel horrible for feeling that way later, but its normal. Hang in there sweet girl and I am thinking about you and hoping that you find normalcy and peace and get to spend time with that sweet hubby very soon!:)

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  9. Hang in there girl, it will all be worth it in the end! I'm sure God has something great planned :) praying for you!

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  10. Aw - you will get through it Aubrey! He will get settled in at his new job and you will find a balance between work life and home life. Things WILL get better! <3

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  11. You are not alone in this!! This is the exact reason that I've been having such a hard time adjusting to our move! Eric even got called into work on Sunday.... as if he doesn't give them enough of his time. Last week I wrote a post about how hard this adjustment has been, but that I AM grateful for his job, and that he likes it (even though he works too many hours and I feel like I never see him). Some anonymous comment basically told me to suck it up and that my life isn't that hard. That really hurt my feelings because we just moved to a new, small town. I have no friends, and my hubs is always at work. Yes, this is hard for me and I'm still learning how to deal with it!
    So you're not being irrational :) I hope things slow down so that your hubs can have a more normal schedule!!

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  12. I love the new blog design. I pinned this color palette on pinterest these colors just flow really well. Love it girl
    I am having a moment like that now with the Farmer being super busy in the field and since it isnt raining lately he is always in the field and Im left feeling where is me left into your day but your are very right it isnt their fault. Great post I needed this

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  13. Oh yes, there are a lot of us who know how you feel and how this goes! I guess these are the things that build us up in our marriages right? Even though you are frustrated it looks like you do see the blessing in your life. I guess those are the thoughts we need to hold on to, and make the most of the time we DO have with our family :) Thanks for sharing love!

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  14. Oh goodness, I needed to hear this. Thank you.

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  15. I can understand why you would miss your hubby...when he's working hard its makes sense that you would feel ignored even though he is providing. Hopefully in time he will be able to come home earlier and I know God has a great plan for you both. :)

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  16. Hope you have some brighter days ahead and his schedule will allow him to spend some more time during the evenings with you. Hang in there, girlie, you got this!

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  17. I see why you are frustrated!! Hope things are getting better!

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  18. Big hugs!!! I can only imagine. That would be such a HUGE adjustment for anyone!! Praying for you!!

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  19. We all go through it. Unfortunatly it is a necessary part of life sometimes. But it is okay to be not happy about it. But you have to slap on a smile for him, because he has the hardest part of it all, the long schedule.

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  20. Oh friend! I'm praying for you- that would be a really hard adjustment to take!
    xo

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