Real talk time.

Saturday night hubs and I went to a concert at the church and Andy Cherry was opening for Citizen Way. He had his wife in the audience and shared a song he wrote for her and sang to her the night before their wedding. I hit me hard and in an emotional way. He was talking about their love and the closeness they share with each other. I made me think of Elle, random, I know.

I've been irritated lately when we've been around babies and I can't quite seem to find the sweet spot holding them. I can't seem to lull them to sleep or snuggle them just right. But with Elle, I was the only one who could.

She was my sweet pea and I knew as soon as cuddles started with her, she was in her happy place dozing off. When she was an infant I stole her from her swing and crib just to hold her during naps. Once she hit toddler she started showing signs of sleepiness and we'd grab a blanket and bury into the couch together for some sweet quiet time. Even the last few months before I left while watching movies she'd be my buddy curled up enjoying our moments like that. It made me realize that even though I don't have that "touch" with every baby, I have that touch with the people closest to me. I had that touch with Elle because she was like my own. She was my sweet baby girl and had (and still does) a firm grip on my heart.

I've been missing the time I had with her and those moments we would share. I've been praying for her and the new nanny she's adapting to. I've been praying she understands she's getting a baby brother or sister in the spring. I've been praying she is building a solid and stable relationship with her parents over her nanny. Maybe I'm being selfish (which is probably the case) but I wish I was the one with her now sharing these moments while her life is turning upside down.

I wish it was me holding her and lulling her to sleep. I wish it was me teaching her how to share and love a sibling. I wish it was me growing a deeper relationship and dependence. I love where I am now and am so blessed but that doesn't mean I don't have weak days missing my little bug who is so dear to my heart.