As of lately, things have a been a little off in the Kinch household. With me not feeling good, like.....ever (like that TSwift pun?) it's been hard to keep things going in an onward manner. I've been struggling keeping the house clean, I've had zero motivation for the gym or even walking Brutus. I'm feeling completely defeated like I'm not satisfying my husband and providing for him in ways it's needed.

Last night was to the point that I consumed no sleep, it was filled with tears (the ugly sobbing kind) and pain. So much pain.

It's not just my head anymore. It's my heart that's taking a toll. I have no sense of fulfillment or self worth because I'm never feeling good enough to do anything. It took everything in me to get up Saturday and take Drake to his basketball game. I had to leave hubs at his tattoo appointment Sunday to go home because I was throwing up from the pain.

I've come to a conclusion I'm at a breaking point. Everything in life seems to be piling on and I'm not quite living out what needs to be accomplished. I hear hubs say over and over, "life is too short to stress, the stress will only shorten your life" which I understand but can't seem to put into motion. Every little thing is getting to me in an unhealthy way and I end up snapping at the wrong person for all the wrong reasons.

I need to apologize to my husband for being in the line of fire. He doesn't deserve my blow ups and I need to start taking what he says to heart and truly try my hardest to live out what he's been explaining.  I try to go about life like I'm not hurting and that there isn't something that's keeping me on the verge of tears all the time but I've learned from hubs that I need to be coming to him daily if that's what it means explaining my frustrations about my migraines so I don't completely bottle it up.

This is absolutely in circles but I have so much on my heart and in my head I just need to get it out.

Elle is welcoming another new nanny today and I can't help but think did I do the right thing leaving her 5 months ago. Are they in a good place or did I add a burden to their household? They've reached out asking me to come back again and I haven't thought about it this in depth before but it's been tugging hard at my heartstrings. I miss her so much and can only hope for the best for her. Again hubs spoke light into my life with this situation. He feels like it's time I sever that tie because I'm only missing her more and more when I talk to her. I need a clean break and I need to move on with the chapter of life I'm in. I'm no longer her nanny and no longer should be worrying about what her parents should only be worrying about. I am there as a sitter if it's needed but I'm no longer her adopted parent.

I'm also at a place with designing I'd love to work from home and have that as a part time business. That's really what it is currently but I'm using my nights and weekends to get that work completed. I don't have free time during the day to get those tasks done because of working full time at our church home but I'm simply trying to figure out a solution and how to navigate where to go with my next steps with building my brand.

Am I always going to be able to design? Will it support my family when we expand and I stay home with kids? Will business always be coming in? There are so many questions about this and how I can establish a great foundation on it with our future and I've been praying for those answers and seeking guidance everywhere I can find.

Overload I tell ya. OVERLOAD.

If you're still with me, thank you. This community has kept me stable and given me so much encouragement so I just felt it's time let out everything that's been on my heart lately. I had goals to post separately about each obstacle buuuuut that didn't happen. Maybe once I get a grasp on what my next steps are, things will be a little more organized as I like it.

Good thing I have these boys to keep me sane.