just breathe.

November 5, 2012

As of lately, things have a been a little off in the Kinch household. With me not feeling good, like.....ever (like that TSwift pun?) it's been hard to keep things going in an onward manner. I've been struggling keeping the house clean, I've had zero motivation for the gym or even walking Brutus. I'm feeling completely defeated like I'm not satisfying my husband and providing for him in ways it's needed.

Last night was to the point that I consumed no sleep, it was filled with tears (the ugly sobbing kind) and pain. So much pain.

It's not just my head anymore. It's my heart that's taking a toll. I have no sense of fulfillment or self worth because I'm never feeling good enough to do anything. It took everything in me to get up Saturday and take Drake to his basketball game. I had to leave hubs at his tattoo appointment Sunday to go home because I was throwing up from the pain.

I've come to a conclusion I'm at a breaking point. Everything in life seems to be piling on and I'm not quite living out what needs to be accomplished. I hear hubs say over and over, "life is too short to stress, the stress will only shorten your life" which I understand but can't seem to put into motion. Every little thing is getting to me in an unhealthy way and I end up snapping at the wrong person for all the wrong reasons.

I need to apologize to my husband for being in the line of fire. He doesn't deserve my blow ups and I need to start taking what he says to heart and truly try my hardest to live out what he's been explaining.  I try to go about life like I'm not hurting and that there isn't something that's keeping me on the verge of tears all the time but I've learned from hubs that I need to be coming to him daily if that's what it means explaining my frustrations about my migraines so I don't completely bottle it up.

This is absolutely in circles but I have so much on my heart and in my head I just need to get it out.

Elle is welcoming another new nanny today and I can't help but think did I do the right thing leaving her 5 months ago. Are they in a good place or did I add a burden to their household? They've reached out asking me to come back again and I haven't thought about it this in depth before but it's been tugging hard at my heartstrings. I miss her so much and can only hope for the best for her. Again hubs spoke light into my life with this situation. He feels like it's time I sever that tie because I'm only missing her more and more when I talk to her. I need a clean break and I need to move on with the chapter of life I'm in. I'm no longer her nanny and no longer should be worrying about what her parents should only be worrying about. I am there as a sitter if it's needed but I'm no longer her adopted parent.

I'm also at a place with designing I'd love to work from home and have that as a part time business. That's really what it is currently but I'm using my nights and weekends to get that work completed. I don't have free time during the day to get those tasks done because of working full time at our church home but I'm simply trying to figure out a solution and how to navigate where to go with my next steps with building my brand.

Am I always going to be able to design? Will it support my family when we expand and I stay home with kids? Will business always be coming in? There are so many questions about this and how I can establish a great foundation on it with our future and I've been praying for those answers and seeking guidance everywhere I can find.

Overload I tell ya. OVERLOAD.

If you're still with me, thank you. This community has kept me stable and given me so much encouragement so I just felt it's time let out everything that's been on my heart lately. I had goals to post separately about each obstacle buuuuut that didn't happen. Maybe once I get a grasp on what my next steps are, things will be a little more organized as I like it.


Good thing I have these boys to keep me sane.

14 comments

  1. We know that stressing is no good but that it is so hard to put that into action. Praying for rest and reassurance that the Lord has you in his hands!

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  2. I work full time and part time AND own an etsy store that I am trying to take off the ground. I get overwhelmed and have many days where I break down in panic and anxiety. I wish I had an answer, but surrounding yourself with people who love and care for you is the best solution I have come up with. The right path will eventually become clear. Best of luck to you, I know the stuggle.

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  3. Thank you so much for posting this! Honestly, I find peace in knowing that I am not the only one who struggles with the direction my life is going. I have been praying for you sweet girl. First, praying for your physical condition and that these migraines completely cease! Second, I pray for your family and that you find peace and fulfillment in whatever you choose to do for a living. Life has so many choices and options, its hard to find the right one. Trust in the Lord. He will provide a way for you to be fulfilled, do what you love, and provide for your family. It may not be easy all the time, and it takes HARD work, but your designing business has boomed and I am so proud of you. Proud of my blog design, but also of your success! I pray much more for you. One thing I always tell myself when I am overwhelmed is, "This is the stress/anxiety. This is not me." Don't beat yourself up for reacting to life's overwhelming times. It happens to the best of us, the most 'Christian' of us, and the most loving of us. I say you have done remarkably well considering your migraines and all of that. I know your hubby understands and its so great hes been so positive. Let me know if you need anything!

    Take care!

    Melissa

    P.S. Sorry I wrote you a novel. :)

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  4. You WILL make it through this. There;s no doubt in my mind. Everything will work out the way it's supposed to. You know that, but you have to trust it and HIM!

    -Amy
    http://theblankpagesblog.blogspot.com/

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  5. I think every woman goes through this at one time or another. Believe me, you are not alone. Know that I'm thinking of you and praying. Just take your time and do what you believe best for you and your family. Listen with your heart, you'll know. You'll just know.
    I wish you the very best.

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  6. we all have those days, weeks, months ... we all do. it's part of being human. the one thing i have tried to remember is that, this too shall pass. but sometimes it really feels that the frustrations are lasting longer and longer. another thing is being able to let it out and talk about why life has you down. keeping it bottled up is the worst.

    thinking of you and praying that you will find the peace you need.

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  7. Hang in there sweet heart!!! You are NOT the only one who struggles as you will find out as you post this. The right path will be much more clear soon. I pray he heals you physically & emotionally. You are a strong beautiful woman.

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  8. "Cast all your anxieties on Him, because He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7

    I'm praying for you!
    www.mrandme.blogspot.com

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  9. Oh girl! I hear ya!
    I echo what Whitney above me quoted!!!

    Praying for you and your next steps in life!

    love love

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  10. I just love you! That's all. I wish I could do more, help more, even offer advice - but you have a wonderful husband, and I'm sure that God will answer all of your questions. In the meantime, I hope they find something to make you feel better. You are very very loved!

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  11. If we were text buddies I would have just sent you goofy pictures to cheer you up. And to say, I'm praying for you and your health. Xoxo

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  12. I feel you girl- life is damn stressful sometimes! And 100% with you on turning design into full time, I plan to trial run this in 2014 as I go to school for design and do it on the side as my "main" job. Good luck to both of us, ahha.

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