Breathing Through It

June 8, 2020


Wowza. Where do I even begin? You met our newest addition, Bear, over on this post and it tears my heart out sharing we said goodbye to him May 28th when he died during a routine surgery.

We were hesitant bringing him home because our hearts were still aching from Brutus but within hours our cares washed away. He was something special. He healed spots of my heart and held space for all the emotions we were and are still navigating with grief and loss. I’m so sorry and so sad we didn’t get more time together. 
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  • May 8, 2019 — Brutus diagnosed with diabetes
  • May 13, 2019 — Andrew’s dad meets Jesus face to face
  • August 16, 2019 — we say goodbye to Brutus
  • March 24, 2020 — welcome Bear to our home
  • May 28, 2020 — say goodbye to Bear

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I’m pretty freaking shattered and clinging to Jesus. I’m feeling angry I was put in this position again. I’m confused why we keep getting knocked down continually this past year. A routine procedure with an unpredictable outcome. He went in for a neuter surgery and his heart rate dropped and stopped. He was back and forth breathing with a ventilator for a few hours but he lost his light and we had to say goodbye. I held him in his last moments and my heart will never forget how I felt whole again with him in our home.

That day and a few days after I kept saying I will never have another dog. My heart literally can't handle the pain again if something were to happen. I know if we had another dog and we decided to neuter, I'd be on edge the day of surgery and events to happen again the same.

Today, I'm longing for our Brutus, for our Bear, for some happy and light in our home. Emery said the other day "mommy, when you're ready, can we get another puppy?" which breaks my heart my kids are walking this pain, too. I don't think they feel it as deeply as I do or as Andrew does, and call me crazy for being so dang attached in 2 months, but that boy was another baby and he brought JOY back to us. He brought life to our home and excitement and happy. All the happy. And I want that happy oozing in our 4 walls.

I started taking weekends off social media and as of today, I have my instagram account disabled and empty. I want to step back and breathe. I've been feeling the last year the Lord calling me to take a backseat to social media and just be. Spend time intentionally with my kids, read a book instead of choosing to consume on social media and simply soak in life around me while my heart takes time to heal. So challenge accepted. The Lord put it on my heart and in all honesty, I don't miss it. I've needed this. The break may be 2 weeks, it may be 6 months. I'm just here listening to the Lord and what He wants me to do.

Thank you for being here and loving our family. I'll be here sharing in the meantime.
xo

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