Goodbye Elle.

May 31, 2012

Dear Elle,

I met you when you were so young. Two months old and mama didn't want to go back to work. She worried, shed tears and yearned to be with you those first few months but you and I, yeah, we had something special.

Holding your chubby little body so close to mine has always been a favorite from day one. The way your right arm had to always wrap around my back when I cradled you, how your cheek had to be perfectly positioned on my tummy to snuggle in just right, how your left hand had to feel the touch of mine warming yours, all before you closed those little eyes and dozed into a peaceful sleep. You sometimes didn't feel like your swing and that was okay, more time for snuggles; one day you would be too old for them and I dreaded the day you fought touch. You even burrowed down in my legs a few times, in a tight ball, snoozing while I read with you on the couch. Man, those were the early days. I began craving those moments soon after as you grew.


You grew into an infant then, no longer a fragile newborn. You started to explore with tummy time and love, love, loved your piano. I could place that guy in front of you for hours and you'd go to town writing me songs that went straight to my heart. You ate, drooled, burped and spit up. Played, slept, pooped and ate some more. Again, the days I soon missed.


You began to recognize me as part of your life. I'd arrive at work to a smiley baby-- all smiles you were. Those sweet chubby cheeks and adorable faces would get me through the obnoxious drive to you. I can't forget the day you found your toes; it was as if all things were right in your small, small world. Those eye would light up just seeing those toes hanging over your head. You'd sit giggling in your bouncer chair sucking on your feet, sliding down and eventually out of your chair-- where I'd come to the rescue, scoop you up and make all things right in that world again.


Soon your growing flashed so quickly, too quickly before my eyes. No longer an infant but a baby and soon a toddler. I about fainted when your first steps were taken. The week of your 1ST birthday and I was a tearful, joyful, hot mess that day! Video upon video of those chubby feet flopping along the floor. Guiding your way into rebellion and exploring. Oh, the trials were about to come all right.


And come they did. They all seemed to be trampled on when I heard that first "Auby" from your mouth, was given your first kiss without asking, when you ran to me for comfort in times of distress or confusion. I knew I was doing something right. But mostly, that first "I love you." Yep, nothing mattered you did to upset me, because that beautiful satisfaction of hearing those words washed all doubts in my mind away.



Elle, you drove me bananas some days and grew my heart so full others. You taught me what it means to love another. To love so unconditionally through right and wrong. Through trials, triumphs, thick and thin. So often I'd stop and ponder how you've molded me into the ideal wife. You taught me what I means to forgive, to stop and enjoy the small all around us, to breath a little deeper on a crisp winter's morning, to always hug it out, that a kiss makes everything better and to laugh. Laugh. How simple. You showed me, sweet girl. I've learned pajama days are necessary and sitting by the fire place with loads of pillows, blankets, a good book and each other is sweet bliss. Shining brighter all my days forward are the butterflies in early spring, the chirp of a small bird resting on the fence, the sound of morning dew under my feet, the inevitable sense of becoming refreshed after an early morning jog and happily these things will bring me back to you.



It pains me not being able to explain to you why I have to leave but maybe it's better that way, sweet pea. If you could understand I'd explain how deep in my heart your roots have grown, how your touch and small kisses makes my heart so full, how your early morning reception to my arrival melts away any distractions and how blessed I have been to call you my Elle Belle. I never want to leave you feeling abandoned or sad, lost or confused or aimlessly wandering around the house calling "AUBY". I pray you to go forward knowing I've left a small footprint on your heart in your long, long life ahead of you. I pray for your happiness. I pray you can still enjoy the smalls things when you're 13 and learning about boys. I pray you find the early years of your life with me as a symbol of your childhood you'll cherish forever.



I love you, my sweet girl.
Thank you for changing my heart, changing my life and blessing me with the ability to focus on truly, the small things.

All my love, forever & always,
Auby


17 comments

  1. You have my balling my eyes out for you. I know that God has bigger plans for you to show the world everything Elle has taught you to others in your new job!! & I know she will teach her new nanny the things you have taught her..This is so sweet and I hope one day she can read this when she is older and remember what you meant to her in those young years of life.
    xoxo
    Jessica

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  2. So beautiful, Aub-She is going to be so proud when she hears and sees all these things about her nanny. You made memories for this little girl and that is a huge thing to do.

    Be strong, xx
    L

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  3. This was such a touching post! It totally made me cry! She's so lucky to have had someone like you in her life!

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  4. This is sooo sweet! Wow-she's so precious and I truly felt the love you have for Elle. Clearly she means the world to you and wow you took tons of pictures! One day she'll read this and feel so blessed she had someone as special as you care for her during her first few years of life. What an impact you've made in her life and it seems she was a blessing in yours too.

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  5. Aubrey you totally having me crying here! Makes me think back to my very first little one that I was with at 5 weeks old until she turned 1...broke my heart to leave her but her and her siblings made me a better person just like Elle made you a better person as well =)

    I wish you all the blessings and happiness in your new job and know that God has big plans! Always keep in touch with Elle, as I'm sure you will =) She will treasure that time you spent with her forever!

    It will get easier, I promise. =)

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  6. Ahhh- I knew this was gonna be a teary one! I praying for a smooth transition for you and Elle.
    xo

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  7. I just started nannying a sweet little girl and this post beyond warmed my heart . She was so lucky to have someone that loved her so much! The best part is that it doesn't end her ! Praying for you for tomorrow!
    Xoxo
    Nichole

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  8. BAWL-ING! Hope the transition is smooth for you both! Thanks for sharing!

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  9. :( praying for you! This was so beautiful! I miss my kids everyday :( hope the transition is smooth for both of you.

    xo

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  10. awwwhhh, sooo sweet!!!!

    x.

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  11. this is too sweet. thanks for sharing :)

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  12. Isn't it crazy how much they become like your own!?! I teared up because I know all too well how it feels to move on from someone that has become such a big part of your life and who you are. I didn't realize you had watched her for so long. I miss my sweet Amelia and Mallory DAILY, but I visit as often as I can and they will now be apart of my wedding day, as my sweet flower girls and I seriously could not ask for more! You will definitely have days where you stop and wish it was the same, but you will also come to realize (I PROMISE) why you had to move on with your life in order to fulfill other things!

    Today is my last day watching Patrick also...although I didn't watch him as long as I did the girls, it will be tough also! I will be praying for you!!

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  13. Oh my goodness... this post is precious!! And heartbreaking. I know you are going to miss her like crazy. But she will NEVER forget you. You will be in her heart just as much as she is in yours!
    Praying for you, Aubrey!

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  14. Such a sweet post! My heart breaks for both of you, but all those adorable happy pictures are so heart warming! She's so lucky to have had you in her life and she'll always remember it :)

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  15. I cannot stop crying! You have such a special place in Elle's sweet little heart. There is no way she will ever forget you! You are amazing Aubrey! I hope that I can find someone as wonderful as you, who will one day love my kiddos, like you love Elle! Praying for you sweet girl!

    XOXO!

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  16. This is beautiful! I cried :( Could not agree more that when God closes a door His plans for the future are more than we could ask for or imagine! He has been plans for you girl! Thanks for sharing - it is obvious that God has used this precious little one in your life to grow you :)

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