Friday Freebie

January 17, 2013

This week.... it's been a sad one, a stressful one, a trying one, an emotional one. It's been one that brings me back to these types of feelings. One that makes me want to curl up in bed and pray that when I get up everything that's been tugging at my heart, stops. One that makes me revert to my Bible many more times than usual and one that makes me ask God questions that I don't think can be answered.

Death is hard. It's never easy to suck it up and say goodbye. It's always much too soon and it's always a cloud of anger. I don't want to see my husband hurting. I don't care if God has bigger plans because I'm bitter. I'm bitter with having these cards dealt to us, again, much too soon. 

Just like the last time I faced losing a loved one, I know these emotions will soon fade and life will find happiness again but it takes time. I don't believe there's a time limit on how quickly one needs to move on because the heart needs to heal. Until it can mold itself back into shape, we aren't ready to let go.

I've never talked about losing my best friend on this blog. And today I think it's time.

It may be my husband who is hurting now but I relate much too close with how he's feeling now. I was a senior in high school in my second hour class. It was the day back from winter break and everyone was excited to spill all the juice about their Christmas and New Year. I was in dance and in the auditorium with a guest choreographer, without a loud speaker. My dance teacher ran in sobbing, mumbling about a crash and Erica dying. She kept trying to get that words out that Jasmine and Marc had died too.

That's when all the wind was knocked out of me. Marc died. My best friend since 4th grade, died. I was texting him the night before about school and getting a paper turned in that first week back. I was giving him a hard time teasing I wasn't writing his paper this time, but of course I would. He brings me a Monster, I write his essays. No, he wasn't dead.

But the tears came and didn't stop for weeks.

My parents were gone that week so I was home alone. I spent most of my time curled up in bed crying. I went to school but didn't register a thing. I was with my closest friend Nik a lot of the time. Nik, Marc and I were as close as they come since elementary school so it was natural Nik and I would mourn his loss together.

I debated going to the funeral because I wasn't ready to say goodbye. It was my mom who made me go and I thank her for that. It's all such a haze still but I will never forget that day and what my heart felt that last time I saw his face.

I was angry at God. Marc had survived brain cancer the year prior yet God tore him away a short year later. I didn't get it. I wouldn't get it because in the moment God was nothing to me.

Here I am as we just passed the 5 years on January 6th of Marc being gone and I'm no longer angry. I'm hurt yes, but this is the cycle of life. It never makes the pain dull knowing it will happen but there's comfort in knowing one day I'll be reunited with my angels. 

So right now, it's time for me to turn to God and not run away. He may have taken another loved one far too soon but he's what's going to get me through this chapter. He is the one wrapping His arms around my husband and his family right now, comforting them while they grieve and encouraging them that someday, you'll see you angel again.

Right now, God is my anchor.

You can read about the accident, here.

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  1. I'm glad you're no longer mad. I mourn the loss of one of my best friends too. He passed away 2 weeks before my wedding from leukemia. It was hard. So so hard. I still bawl. It's ok to be sad. Give yourself permission to mourn. We're only human. Hugs!

  2. I am so very sorry that you've had to deal with death all too much in your lifetime. I'm sending you lots of happy thoughts and prayers from down here in MS, and I hope that everything calms down again soon.

  3. Girl I totally relate to this and I'm glad you shared it. My ex boyfriend from college passed away two years ago and it was terrible. I still have these moments where something reminds me of him and my whole being hurts. Loss is so hard and it's hard not to be angry. You are such an amazing person and I love the freebies you made for this week! xoxo

  4. I love you Aubs! I've already text you or I would say more, but know that I'm always here for you. :) x

  5. SO sorry to hear this Aub but so glad that you can find happiness again. Love you xx

  6. Love to you sweet one. Praying for you.

  7. Thank you for opening your heart to us. Your story is both sad but encouraging to see how God delivered you from your pain and sadness. He is the ultimate comforter and healer and it is also SO hard to sometimes understand why things happen but you are right, we have to trust that God's plan is bigger and rest in the fact that we will see them again one day.

    Praying for you, your hubs and his family.

  8. I'm in Arizona and I actually remember hearing the news about your Uncle Jim. I'm sorry to hear that he was a family friend. Prayers for you, your husband and family. Thank you for sharing this.

  9. I am so sorry for your past and recent lost. I know it is hard to deal with these tragedies. Last year one of my just graduated students died from a motorcycle crash. It sucks and it's hard to believe it, my heart grieves for my student and his friends and family. Prayers with you and oyur husband and family

  10. I absolutely love your blog! I'm so glad I found it!

  11. I was looking back over your free downloads and absolutely LOVE that you used to have both the home and lock screen. I think you should bring that extra goodie back :) I always love downloading your designs - they're just perfect!!