Motherhood is such a weird and emotional thing. I've been pregnant twice but am lucky enough to have three babies. Three was always my number and I thought I'd feel complete and ready to close that chapter after having them all in my arms. Well, I don't feel that way.

We're three months into Hollyn being in our family and I'm already trying to talk Andrew into another baby and he's not against it, surprisingly. Just one more. He's one of four and loved having three siblings, I'm only one of two but think it would've been nice having more of us. I don't know if emotionally I'm just all over the place being postpartum but these babies have my heart and something doesn't feel right closing that chapter just yet.

Pregnancy was hard for me. Like really hard. Recovery was awful the second time, although the first was seamless. I'm still dealing with serious nerve pain from delivery in November but over time, labor pains get fuzzy and I have the mindset I would do it all again, just one more time because they're worth it.

We want to adopt but the idea and the financial freedom of being able to do it are two different things. Fostering is also on our radar but knowing we may chance having a child that's ours to then be ripped away from us makes my heart hurt. I know we'd be sharing the light of Christ with whoever passed through our home or called it their own but selfishly, I don't know if my heart could handle that pain and change.

This is such a rambling post but knowing the finality of us having kids is rapidly approaching makes things so scary and makes me second guess all my thoughts about being done with three. It's times like these I'm forced to my knees in praying and ask for God's guidance and wisdom because I have no clue and without Him, I'd be lost.

full session on her blog, here.