AUBREY KINCH

"Auby, sit your butt butt!"

-Elle

You start something because you want to make a difference. Whether it's a small nagging pulling on your heartstrings simply stating to slow down, enjoy life and what each days brings. Or something larger that has more depth such as rebuilding your lifestyle after a dramatic event.

I wouldn't say I need to rebuild my lifestyle or that I am trying to enjoy every simple moment, but why can't I say that? What's holding me back from starting from scratch and starting over? How can I make myself stronger, more reliable and kind? What difference can I make by turning a new leaf with a small change starting deep in my heart?

I come to write. To let each and every person close to me into my heart. Along the way, I've met many great people, built relationships and friendships I value to my core. But I'm bothered. You're only getting a small scratch of my surface.

Did you know I wanted to study journalism? Did you know I used to keep notebook upon notebook expressing every deep desire and muddy pain I felt? It started after I got sick. My best friend started writing while I was in the hospital as an outlet; she didn't know if she'd have a best friend after those dark times. So she wrote. To me. About all her worries, dreams, ambitions and how the normalacy of life didn't quite mean the same when a dear friend balances on the edge of death.

I was moved. I spent hours, all throughout my nights writing how I felt in the hospital. I wrote how it was painful to accept that life was going on outside those walls of the ICU. How all my friend were on tour enjoying Disney with me; why didn't I get that? Why did the Lord put me through this? I wrote how I felt abandoned by Jesus Christ and his Heavenly Father. I wrote how this hard time had made me snap into someone I wasn't proud of.

Struggle (noun): to contend with an adversary or opposing force.

That's an understatement. With every fiber of my body I struggled to heal over those short few months of summer. I fought for something to make me feel like me again. Yet, to this day, there's not quite a cure.

Without suffering, there'd be no compassion. That phrase slapped me right across the face this past year. I was waken from a daze I'd been stuck in for many years, being a degrating and deliberate insult to people. If I didn't agree with someone, they're damned in my book. Where the hell did that get me?? At my lowest point of life. Again, struggling to find answers for my suffering. Grasping at every last straw of friendship that I'd lost. Turning my family away because, "I'm 19 and I know way more than anyone else knows!"

Coming back into the light of the Lord makes things, well, bright.

I suffer so I can relate to other suffering, I suffer to grow as an individual. Had I not suffered those many years back, I can say without a hint of hesitation, I wouldn't be married today. It's by God's grace we love and are loved. It's in His name we go about our days.

This blog has turned into something trendy. Something stressful to me. I came into my corner of the internet to cope with life. To find beauty in everyday life. To cherish those small moments we all take for granted and to embrace the challenges thrown at us. To see myself grow as a woman, wife and mother and to remember I am here because He saved me. I want to be an inspiration of a woman to others, a positive light in dark days, an uplifting thought to keep you going and an encouraging word when that's all you need to hear.

So here I sit in this bed:

My bright orange package came in the mail today.

I have to say, it was bitter|sweet; normally ordering prints is exciting for me. It would resemble memories and most likely redecorating.

Not this time.

This package represents a chapter closing.

It means it's time to throw all the memories I have with Elle together to gift to the family on my last day.

I can't believe it's only 8 more days with the Little. She seems to be getting more and more attached as the days near and it's taking every ounces of the happiness in me to show her everything is going to be okay.

& everything will be okay; I'm confident she will still love her "Auby" even after the final days of companionship.

So here we are off early on a Thursday afternoon, coming home to that bright orange package and jumping into a night of scrapbooking.

Full disclosure:

Wine will be involved and many tears will be shed.

Well happy Tuesday everyone!

Did you all get to see the Bachelorette last night??

I didn't.... it's definitely recording BUT I couldn't handle staying up til 10:30pm. Therefore tonight, is filled with Emily Maynard and I couldn't be happier.

Until then, I wanted to get you all up to date with life. Meaning you're getting all the deets about my new job and how things went down breaking it to the family I nanny for.

Let's start with a little background; I grew up at Community Church of Joy, left after middle school and just recently started back with Andrew in February-- you saw that here. We now volunteer as Youth Leaders and LOVE it; the kids, the atmosphere, the fellowship speaks straight to our hearts and we feel so blessed they've welcomed us to be apart of the team.

If you saw this post, you know I was struggling; I didn't know if it was time to move on, I didn't know what the right thing to do was, I didn't know what the responsible thing to do was. I did know I wasn't myself and heading down a spiral to unhappiness and discontentment.

After an evening with my parents and hubs with lots of tears and Margaritas, I knew it was time to bite the bullet. It was time to put myself out there, be vulnerable and start applying at different places that appealed to me. It was this emotional night I found a job opening at CCOJ-- our church home.

If that wasn't a sign, I don't know what is!

Two days later, I was contacted scheduling my first interview, the following day I was scheduled for a second interview and was offered the position on the spot.

My heart in a nutshell that moment:

Joy

Accomplishment

Peace

Love

Adrenaline

Happiness

Excitement

Nervous

The Lord was leading me into the next chapter of life; the chapter that will mold my adulthood.

Saturday was the big day! Up at 5AM, registration at 6:15 and the run started at 7:15AM! This was so exciting for me as I've been training for a handful of months now; My dad, brother and cousin, Madison joined me running.

The boys did their own thing as Madison definitely struggled not knowing truly how intense it could get running for such a duration but I felt accomplished keeping her motivated in times of need and making sure she pressed on as hard as she could.

Oringinally, I entered this to test myself and to see what I could achieve with the challenge but that changed shortly after the race started and my mindset became "keep Madison going-- keep her motivated!" and that I did.

During the times we were running, I felt GREAT. My cardiovascular was definitely trained and ready for running; My legs were loving the energy bursting through them!

Altogether, my brother took 3RD place for his age bracket [finished at 58mins], dad ran the whole time even with his bad knees finishing at 1hr 10minutes and Madison and I came up finishing at 1hr 22minutes. I'd call that a success for a first race and a proud moment knowing I kept Madison going and I was so pumped being her support! :)

The cherry on top?? The family I nanny for came out to watch so Elle crossed the finish line with me!

What a treat for me!!

Oh, daddy.

You make my heart so happy.

I love you SO much.

Do you ever just completely lose it? Like tears streaming down your face, body shaking, snot running kind of losing it?

I don't know what it is but there are times when life seems so heavy and burden after burden get piling up that whenever that moment hits me and I need to break down-- it's monumental. It's a huge ordeal and everyone happens to notice and I don't ever seem to have enough tissues or eye drops to get through it. Hence mascara and snot ending up eveywhere on the surface of my face, hands and pants.

It's not pretty.

This last week of life has gotten even more difficult to navigate than the prior weeks that I was so barely keeping my head above water. Andrew transferred to a new store with Discount Tire which was loooong overdue as he was at the prior one for 3+ years; we were so excited for his transfer, yes it was a farther drive but it's a new change of pace that he was SO needing.

Wednesday was his first day and I was patiently awaiting his text at lunch telling me about his morning, his initial thoughts and how he was persevering through the day.... it never came. I get off work, run some errands and did grocery shopping when FINALLY I get a call from him.

"I just found out we have a meeting after work tonight so I won't make dinner."

Oh, okay.

8pm rolls around.

9pm rolls around.

9:15pm he calls saying he's leaving work.

He left for work at 6:15am. Holy geez. That's a long first day at a new store! He gets home, he's shot and has nothing left to even make out 4 sentences before he's asleep.

Well, good talk! Hopefully we can do this again tomorrow....NOT.

Thursday night-- he get's home at 7:45pm.

Friday night, 7:40pm.

This is the point I start to become resentful. This is the moment I get angry.

I work hard to keep things in order around the house, to keep the schedule with getting Drake, to have dinner ready on the table, fresh laundry, clothes set out, lunches made.... all I want in return is a little bit of time to relax and wind down with my husband and by the looks of things, I'm becoming the wife who will have everything done, looking forward to a night with my husband and receiveing a snoring man in 20 minutes upon his arrival.

So today it hit me. I'm taking my frustrations out on a man who has zero control over them. I'm setting myself up with expectations that can no longer be met because my husband is working hard to provide for ME. He's busting his chops to keep a shelter over our head, food in our fridge, warm water for our showers...

I sit here tears streaming as I write. This is a hard adjustment. This is something we never realized how blessed we were before when he had a "slow" store. We are learning how to navigate these times and learning how to still connect in our marriage with little time throughout the week to spend together.

Sunday is here-- a day to sleep in with my man, a day to worship our Lord and a day to spend building relationships with the youth TOGETHER.

I pray that God can work in my heart, mind and soul giving me strength to overcome these new challenges in our life TOGETHER.

I have never been the "athlete". I won't get in to the details of that story now cause it's been posted HERE so go get caught up and meet me back here....

Okay, that was January and it's almost April...

So now that I've been actively working out I wanted a challenge.

I'm running a 10K May 12th.

That's in 2 weeks.

I could throw up thinking about it.

What did I get myself into?

It's one thing doing it on my own but I needed someone to keep me accountable.

So I asked my younger cousin Madison; she's a cheerleader and about to start her Freshman year of high school. She is used to running daily so I thought she'd be great at support.

I told my dad and brother about it hiking one morning and before I knew it-- they were committing to running it too.

AWESOME.

All I thought was: "Now I really can't bail!!!" :(

Weeks later of training.... running into trash cans training, I'm noticing change.

Change in my legs.

Change in my lungs.

Change in my lifestyle.

Running is becoming my outlet. A healthy outlet. One I look forward to taking part in and feeling a sense of loss without doing it.

That's something I never thought would be me.

Running?? You would've been crazy to suggest that!!

A few weeks back life decided to throw me in a funk-- one I'm still fighting a battle with. I was barely running and when I did, it was maybe, maaaaybe 2 miles before I'd give up. I've been dealing with migraines also, which does NOT help while running! And I was slowly losing my outlet, losing the sense of accomplishment. This past Monday, this happened: